love
it’s been a few months! in the past 5 months i have been experiencing some painful personal growth that i have struggled to put into words. i made another trip to haiti in august and it was absolutely beautiful. i have had difficulty capturing that beauty as i normally do. i have been afraid to undercut it, or present anything less than what it was. but even if it’s not coherent, or linear, or really a great update on my ministry, i need to share. (if you would like updates on my ministry please visit http://www.hoperisinghaiti.org to see all that yummy stuff).
this is a journal entry from my trip a few weeks ago.
wednesday. the sweetest things in this life. this place loves me like Jesus does, even (no, especially) in its brokenness. i am simply not treated better anywhere else, and i don’t think its because of what i give them. they love me, and they take care of the people they love. the way that danise cries when i cry and is happy when i am happy and the way djeudson carries our heavy backpack in the heat and the way ctacey makes sure i have sunscreen on at the beach and the way ronaldo won’t let strangers hold me in the water. the way mercidieu splashes fresh water on us and roselande shares her sugar cane and rosaldo opens and closes our bus window to keep out the rain or the heat. this is how i feel loved. when poor men in big tree pray that i would continue to be blessed and protected and understand that God orchastrated our meeting, i feel loved. i feel loved in a way that i only have ever felt loved by Jesus. and that is why my heart is so full today. because i can’t help but look out the window and feel and immense sense of…home…among all the chaos. what a cool feeling. to be loved like jesus.
“who is this, that even the winds and the waves obey him?” mark 4:41
i have since come out of this realization seeking only after the people and the places that make me feel loved the way Jesus makes me feel loved. and trust me, i knowwww that nobody on earth even comes slightly close to Jesus. nobody has the capability to love me like Jesus does. i recognize that, but i am also learning to recognize that there are people who love me with qualities that represent jesus’ love. people that love me with patience and kindness and softness, yes, but more importantly, i need to seek after the people that love me humbly and selflessly. people that love me not for what i can do for them, but for what i can’t. i am accepted into haiti because of what i give. yes. the more money i bring the more friends i seem to have. however, that is not why i am loved. that is not why i am cared for the way that i am cared for by those people. there, i am loved because of my heart. because of my faith. because i show up. because of my presence.
jesus doesn’t love me because of what i can give him. that would be ridiculous, if i thought i could give the god of the universe, the savior of the world, the king of all kings, anything other than my heart. and so while i am trying to focus on seeking the people that only want my heart, and love me with jesus-like characteristics, i am pouring out my soul to love others the same way. i am learning to love like jesus and danise love. it requires sacrifice and a whole lot of empathy and softness and honestly a level of holiness that i only get from the grace of jesus. but man, it’s life changing, this type of love. receiving this kind of love from jesus will save your life. but learning to mirror this type of love—that can save the world.