december 8th, 2018

a team came in today. it feels weird being on the other side of things. i know i should keep an open mind and not be so hard-hearted against them but it upsets me that Haiti and these people are treated like a museum or a place where americans are “brave” enough to “go” to experience how other people have it worse than they do. these are also human beings here. human beings in pain–pain that will continue to exist even after you go home to your warm showers and grocery stores and cute little storybook families. when you are wrapped all up in your job that makes you six figures and keeps you safe, these people will still be here, worrying about their next meal and where their next child will sleep.

and i know i probably won’t change anything any more than they will. but i don’t claim to. i claim to be utterly helpless and lost without Jesus and i claim to be a burden and to be honored to spend time in this country with these beautiful, resilient people. i know there is so much hurt and so much need and so much pain and poverty and hunger outside these walls. so much i cannot tend to. it is so easy to get wrapped up and overwhelmed with the hard. sometimes i find my soul so burdened with the pain that i’ve lost the moments of joy. but these people are not lost in their own suffering, because God. Jesus is here and he is working and that is why although my heart breaks for this place, i cannot be overcome by pain. they are joyful and desperate to know and love and worship God. they have found community and godly people and within this gathering there is holiness. and that is enough for them. so it will be enough for me. the desperation to know God must outweigh the desperation to know comfort. i used to think that i should pray to be this desperate in order to draw closer to the feet of Jesus. while this is still true, i think i’ve realized a better way. i pray to be desperate to know God. it’s a different type of desperation. a desperation to worship Him. i pray to be desperate to sing his praise, to give him what he deserves. I crawl towards the God of all creation, not desperate to survive, but desperate to sit in His presence. what an honor that He welcomes us into His arms. an honor i don’t want to take for granted.