the hard questions

I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when He, the spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all of the truth. (John 14:18)

december 10th, 2018

today was a great day. i could live this day over and over again. we spent about an hour journaling and thinking and talking about hard stuff. we had lots of questions and brought up things that didn’t make sense. questions that cannot be answered today and things that break my heart and hurt my head. but i think sometimes God unsettles our souls and then keeps the answers at bay. not because he doesn’t want me to know, but because he wants me to keep asking.

i pray to be disturbed and unsettled, and i am. so i must be patient and sit in the pain and unknowing. i don’t like that. i want to know why sweet children are treated like outsiders and why families are broken and hearts are weak. i want to know how to make school worthwhile and how to make the teachers stick around and i want to know how i can make classrooms bigger. i want to know why i am so exhausted from showing love and why i can’t live here forever and most importantly, why i get the honor to spend time in this place. but if i knew all these answers right now, would i still be so broken over Haiti? i can’t help but hope that God knows why i don’t have the answers. and even if i did have all the answers in the universe and all the capabilities possible, i’d still probably do the same thing i’m doing today: love. the best thing i can do is submit myself under the will of God, and love with my whole heart. i will do that whether or not i have answers. i’m unsettled because that is my calling. Jesus wouldn’t show me my calling through comfort and smiles and rainbows and unicorns. he shows it to me through the things that disturb me, break my heart, pull on my soul, and beg for change.